Fear

Yesterday, there was a gun incident at Crichton College; think of it as the Crichton Siege Part II. That doesn't matter. What does matter is that on the drive in from my house today to school, my thoughts began drifting to other incidents at other colleges. Virginia Tech, Columbine, even Jonesboro all came to mind.

What must be understood is that I am not fearful of death. As far as what is in store for me after death, I know exactly where I will be and there is no taint of fear in that knowledge. Instead, as my thoughts sorted through what I was thinking, I began to realize that, yes, on a surface level, I am fearful of death, but not of death itself. I am fearful of what I would leave behind. I'd leave behind my family, my friends, and one of the best things to ever happen to me: Rachel. I am fearful that because of the actions of another individual that is out of his/her mind (or they're stupid) that those around me would suffer in a way that I couldn't bear to live with.

And yes, as I was driving, the "hero complex" entered my mind: the situation where I would rush in and stop the gunmen, taking as many bullets as he fired and still not stopping. I thought that perhaps yes, I would be wounded, but that nothing would stop me from reaching him so that he wouldn't hurt anybody else. This thought finally led me realize "What if I couldn't stop him? What if he did bring me down? What if he put a gun to my head and asked, 'Do you believe in God?'" Since Cassie Bernall at Columbine, people have wrestled with the thought of what they would do if they were faced with the same decision Cassie was. Deny Christ and live; Accept Christ and die. I know that many Christians have been humble and copped out of answering what they would do by stating, "Well, I don't know what I'd do in that situation." I tell you now that there is nothing on this earth that scares me more than denying my God and my Savior, Jesus. As I came to this understanding, I knew what I would do. I have always told my friends and my family that if I had to choose the way I could die, it would be a martyr's death. It is the only way in which I think I could be truly grateful for Jesus in Him dying a martyr's death for me. I would never deny my Savior and God. It would be hard to leave those I love and those I care about, but this loss is nothing in comparison to the loss in denying my Savior.

As a final disclaimer for this post, I hope that I have made you think. That was the intended purpose. It is not to cause fear for me. My life is in God's hands and He alone will judge when it is my time to die. I can in no way influence the decision He has already made about the time and place of my death. Instead, I will further live my life for Him in the knowledge that I am not guaranteed my next breath, but as long as I breathe, my life is nothing but a compass pointing back to God.